So much of our identity is tied up with what we do that it feels like a brutal blow to be laid off or fired (dare I say, for failing).
Whichever version of job loss we experience, we reel from the blow.
The unwanted shift in our identity triggers shame and guilt. Both emotions are psychologically uncomfortable, but guilt is useful. It drives meaningful change. Shame, on the other hand, traps us with stories that a depressing destiny is somehow fixed.
Here’s the shocking truth: we go to incredible lengths to protect a consistent view of ourselves. Even when that’s negative.
The problem is that our consistency relies on others’ agreement about who we are. Which we can’t control. It’s why we are so harsh with ourselves as we reel from the rejection of losing a job. We’re tugging our self-view down just to be consistent. Shame stories might see us telling ourselves we’re not talented. Or disliked. Or both.
As a leadership coach, I will often help people who have hit crossroads like these. By the time we’re talking, they’re out of a job. I watch them reel from the blow. I hear the stories they tell themselves. And witness them being really cruel to themselves.
Until, with support, they bring their shame story into the open, navigate their crossroads, and make a purposeful career redesign happen in the wake of this loss.
I find the psychology helps people understand why they’re reeling, then stop pressing self-destruct. I have them send themselves a little self-kindness. You can too. This technique is as powerful as it is simple. It will help you (or someone you know) repair adn start striving again. But self-kindness, identity reconstruction, and the simple act of finding another job requires support. These 3 steps will help you tell the right people about your job loss — the right way.
1. Don’t listen to yourself when you’re preparing your talking points.
Negative self-talk will paralyze you. What you need is a friendly (but firm) pull in the opposite direction. You’re more than the work you did. Find that deeper sense of who you are and spare a kind word for yourself while you prepare to share your predicament with others.
2. Find a few people who see you the way you want to be seen.
Time to phone a friend. Someone you know will give you the support you deserve as you rewrite your next career chapter. Pause for thought. Will your go-to person be impacted by your job loss themselves? Are they the smart call to make first? Or later, when you can support them back? Your first call must be about you. The first person you should call will see you as you want to be seen, believe in you, understand if you’ve made mistakes (or if you haven’t), and support you without judgement either way.
Pause before you post on social media. You would get a flurry of surface support I’m sure. But that kind of help won’t help. Recognise you feel driven to share your experience, shame and anxiety. Then move through that hard stuff with your favored few friends or family.
3. Think about what you wish your friend or family member would say when you tell them, then explain you’ve lost your job in a way that leaves them room to do that.
This thought-exercise is another way to expose negative self-talk before it does too much damage. Are you about to share your news in a way that elicits commiserations? Poor you. How awful they did this to you? I’m so sorry to hear?
Someone truly on your side will express sympathy without prompting. And empathize if they’ve been where you are. But won’t dwell. Because they know there’s another chapter waiting to be written. And they’re right. So don’t get trapped in negative narratives as you make your job loss real to others. Say after me: I lost my job today. That’s all.
When I talk to people who have been laid off or fired, I say “Congratulations!” You get to create your aligned career transformation. Starting now. There’s real energy in shifting your plans to realign what you do with what is important to you.
It’s time to separate from negative storytelling to rewrite your next chapter now. And it starts with the help of these important people and a well-crafted explanation.
Story first published on FairyGodBoss
